How far is too far?

Lately, I’ve been having  a “new love” in my life. We’re not together yet..we’re just talking. Everything was going good in the beginning..but now it’s like i’m just not even appreciated anymore. We used to talk every single day, and were just so happy with eachother. I saw in his phone the other week that our friends name was “lizzy sexy” in his phone. that started a fight right there..but ever since..it’s been different. This past weekend, he went to a party where it was just all girls. That’s one thing that got me ticked. THEN, we were supposed to spend time together the day after..but of course, he was too hungover and didn’t call me at all. Finally, yesterday I flipped and said that I never see him, and him blowing me off is getting real old real fast. So, he said we’ll go out today…..he never called. Not once at all. It’s hard trying to move forward to get into a relationship when you’re the only person thats willing to try. After all, you can’t be in a relationship with yourself. So what do you think…hang on, or let go?

What’s worth fighting for? (inspired by Katy McAllister’s “Worth Fighting For”)

Think back to that first relationship that you’ve had that you’ll always remember. That relationship that fulfilled all of your thoughts on what love actually was. That relationship that you defined as your first love. If you’re anything like me..that relationship changed your life. I remember mine perfectly. I had the perfect boyfriend. He was always there for me through everything, he was faithful, he was everything to me. We were together for 8 months. Some of the days were better than others..but that’s in every relationship..no one has the perfect relationship. If my relationship was perect..we’d still be together. Like everyone else, we had our differences. While dating him..I completely changed myself. I was so worried about losing him..that I was starting to push him away, and I didn’t even realize i was doing it until he was gone. It was one of those mistakes that if I was able to go back and change them completely..I would. Without a question about it. I loved him more that anyone could ever imagine..I still do..and I’m pretty sure I always will. He showed me what love really is. Lately, I’ve tried to move on and date other people..but they didn’t compare to him. This post may be sounding very mushy..but this is the first time I’ve expressed my feelings about him since we broke up. We’re close friends now..but at some points I can’t help thinking back to how the way things used to be. I miss being able to call him “mine”. I hurt him..and I can’t take that back. But ever since we broke up..I’ve learned so much. I’m such a different person than back then. Every night..I pray for a third chance. I’m not trying to sound desperate, trust me. I guess you can say I know how things would be if we’d try again…nothing like before. Everyone always needs time for themselves to grow. Maybe us being apart was our time. No one will ever know what will happen in the future. All I hope for…is me and him having a future together. He’ll always be in my heart.

Nautical. (Chapter 5 – Chapter 6)

Chapter Five

Lily walked halfway into the kitchen and made sure her mother didn’t see her. Lily felt her heart shatter as she saw her mother, sitting there, unconscious in the chair at the end of the kitchen island with a wine glass in one hand and her bottle of wine in the other. She was disgusted. Lily headed back up to her room. She took the bottle of “Ibuprofen” pills off of her bedside table and dropped 4 tiny pills into her hand. She popped them dry, and tried to sleep. It took her awhile to fall asleep, considering thoughts kept running full speed ahead in her mind. The one thought in the front of her mind, was that she knew her mom was a heavy drinker..but lately..her mom’s been drinking way more than she usually does.

The students ran out of the school like bats out of hell. Principal Corely had pulled Tara aside as she was running out of the main doors.

“I’m so sorry! I know I shouldn’t have been running. It will never happen again. Oh my god, I’m – “

Principal Corely then cut the rambling girl off.

“I’m not here to repremand you. I’m here to ask you a favor.”

“Oh..okay” Tara started to say. “What do you need me to do?”

“Good, that’s what I was hoping you’d say. I want you to go to Lily Harding’s house to see if she’s alright. After her big spill today, I want to make sure she is okay.” the concerned principal told her.

“Sure!” Tara was so excited when she was asked to see Lily. After she left, Lily had missed so much in school that day.

“Thank you. Here are the directions. We had to go into her files and find out her information. Do you know where that street is?” the principal asked her while handing her a hot pink paper.

“Yeah, its only a few blocks away.”

“That’s correct. Now go get a move on!”

Tara was still excited to see Lily, but she was also nervous. After all, Tara and Lily weren’t AS close as they seem. Would Tara going to her house the first day be awkward?

Chapter Six

Mrs. Harding soon became sober while Lily had been asleep. She hoped that her daughter was fully asleep when she had “fallen asleep” in the kitchen. When she was about to go and wake Lily up, the doorbell rang.

“Who are you?” Mrs. Harding asked in a harsh tone.

“Hi, I’m Tara. I go to San Carlos with Lily.” Tara said politely, trying to keep her cool.

“Uh, huh. Sure you do. What the hell do you want anyway? If you’re her friend, you should know she’s in a lot of pain right now.” Obviously, Mrs. Harding had a habit of becoming very ignorant while she was drinking.

“Like I told you. I’m here to see your daughter. Principal Corely told me to come by and check on her. And yes, Mrs. Harding, I was aware of her fall. I was with her when it happened.” Tara was starting to get on edge. She understood that she was supposed to respect adults, but this lady was putting her down..and she barely even knows her.

Mrs. Harding was still annoyed with the teen standing in her doorway. But, if she’s a friend of Lily’s like she says she is, she might as well let her in and see what she’s all about.

“Up the stairs. First room on the left. She’s sleeping. So if you happen to wake her up, the blame’s on you.”

Mrs. Harding then walked away, leaving Tara letting herself in. She walked through the door and quietly closed the door behind her. She walked up the stairs, and saw Lily laying in her bed, fully asleep. But she had so much to tell her..Lily needed to wake up as soon as possible.

“Lily..” Tara said sweetly as she poked Lily in the shoulder.

Lily’s eyes fluttered open, and blinked a few times while she tried to get adjusted to the light in the room. When her eyes were finally settled, she saw Tara standing over her with a pile of books in her hands.

“What are you doing here?” Lily asked shockingly.

“Well, I have your homework..and a surprise.” Tara said with a smile.

“A surprise? What are you talking about?”

Tara took a little slip of paper off of the pile of books and handed it to Lily.

“It’s a letter..”

Lily looked up at Tara with sparkling eyes. Tara immediately sat down on the bed next to her.

“Who’s it from?!”  Tara urged.

Lily took the note that was folded into a paper football and started to unfold it. Such a guy thing, she thought. her heart fluttered when she saw his perfect handwriting scrawled across the paper. She then got a whiff of a guys cologne.

Nautical (Introduction – Chapter 4)

Introduction

It was a hot August day in Peachtree City, Georgia. It’s the day that parents count down to and the kids dread every single summer. The first day of school. As the students arrive on the campus of San Carlos High School, the incoming freshmen scramble to find where they are supposed to be. Will every freshman have an easy high school career? Or will the high school drama get the best of them?

Chapter One

 

“Is this thing on?!” Principal Corely yelled into the microphone of the PA system with a thick British accent.

 

“Um..yes ma’am.” Kylie, Principal Corely’s assistant, whispered to the yelling principal.

 

“Oh..well okay then.” The principal then hesitated to talk for a few moments to gather all of the thoughts that were swirling around in her head. She then put a huge smile on her face and began to speak with happiness.

 

“Hello all students! Welcome to San Carlos High School for the 2011- 2012 school year! Since today is only the first day, the faculty and myself want to make sure everyone is aware of the campus before you get caught up in the homework and classes. So, as I said before, today is a day to just kind of relax, and to get to know your way around the school and the other students around you. Once the bell rings, please proceed to homeroom. Your homeroom number should be written on your schedule, if not please come see me in my office and we will get everything situated. Have a great day ladies and gentleman!”

 

The principal let the “talk” button of the microphone release from her fingers. She looks out of the window in her office to see one of the hallways of the school bustling with both new and returning faces. On the other side of the hallway, she sees two girls that seem to be a little confused on where they’re supposed to be going and who they’re supposed to be looking for. Just as the principal got out of her chair to go see what was wrong, she heard the two girls start talking to one another about the situation..

 

“Uh, excuse me? Do you know where room 457 is?” A girl with blonde hair asked as she tapped a brunette on her shoulder.

 

“No, I don’t..I’m guessing that’s your homeroom you’re looking for?” said the brunette as she turned to face the blonde.

 

“Yeah..I’m a freshman..So I’m not really sure where I’m supposed to be going…My luck is that I’m no where near the room I’m looking for.” the blonde let out a nervous laugh.

 

“Oh, well don’t worry. I’m a freshman too..and according to my schedule that’s my homeroom too! Let’s go see where we’re supposed to be going..” the brunette replied.

 

Both of the girls were talking about their summer adventures and all the cute guys they saw in between. Soon enough, they were talking like they have been friends since childhood. About halfway to the classroom, the girls noticed that they have been followed by two guys since they were standing infront of the principals office. One of the guys looked like he just stepped off of the beach. He had short, dirty blonde hair, blue eyes and a tan that made it known that he was on the beach near town for most of the summer. His physique made him look like a surfer, while the other resembeled a football player. The football player had dark brown hair, green eyes, and was a lot taller and muscular than his friend next to him. Both guys looked as old as the girls where, so they couldn’t help to think about where the two cuties where walking to.

 

“Oh my gosh..the guys behind us are adorable!!! Don’t you think?” the brunette gushed.

 

“Shhh…they’re gunna hear us talking about them” the blonde laughed at the brunette’s lack of subtlty. “But I will totally agree…they are pretty cute.”

 

“PRETTY cute?! Are you out of your mind?! They’re totally hot!” the brunette practically yelled. And to no surprise, the blonde boy nudged the bruntte guy in the arm and gestured towards the girls to tell him that they were talking about them. Then the brunette continued..

 

“Look! 457! That’s our room!”

 

The girls entered the room and took the two seats near the windows in the second row from the back. Just as the set their things on the floor, the two boys that were walking behind them took the last two seats in the room behind them.

 

“So..your name’s Liliana? I’ve never heard of that name before..” the brunette asked.

 

“Yeah..uh..how do you know me?”

 

“Haha, relax..it’s written on your paper” the brunette then held out her hand for a friendly handshake. “I’m Tara.”

 

“Nice to meet you. And yeah..my family’s very Italian, so that’s where Liliana came from. But, just call me Lily. It’s so much easier.” Lily replied.

 

Just as Lily was going to shake Tara’s hand, the surfer boy walked between the girls’ desks and knelt infront of Lily.

 

“Well, you certainly like to make an entrance, don’t you?” Lily asked him with a subtle tone of annoyance in her voice.

 

“What can I say? I like the attention.” The boy smiled at both the girls, but winked at Tara when he noticed her presence next to him. “So, what are you two fine ladies doing in this school? You both look like you’re supposed to be in Hollywood.”

 

 

Tara looked pleased with all the attention the boy was giving her, but the more he hit on both of them, the more Lily seemed to be turned off by him. The boy was soon closer to Tara, giggling with her and playing with her hair. Since Tara and Lily were no longer engaged in conversation, she started to copy the list of which teachers teach what and where their rooms are within the school. When she was about to start writing, she felt someone behind her tap her on the shoulder. When she turned around, she was looking into the eyes of Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome himself. The football player looking guy that was following her earlier. She couldn’t deny it. He was drop dead gorgeous. His looks made him look like he just stepped out of a sports magazine. She found herself gazing into his grassy green eyes when he spoke..

 

“Excuse me..I’d hate to bother you..But my friend has my pencil..and it looks like I’m not going to be getting it any time soon.” He points to the surfer how has the pencil tucked behind his ear.

 

“Oh..sure..” Lily hands over the pencil and turns around so she can continue writing.

 

Lily didn’t want to make it seem too obvious that she was into the boy. She barely knew him, anyway. The bell rang to let the students know that homeroom was now over. Lily and Tara looked at each other in terror..considering the now have no idea where they are supposed to go next. The surfer dude stood up, wrote something down on a tiny piece of paper, and slid it across the desk to Tara. Instead of both of the girls paying attention to what the teacher was saying, they were in their own little worlds..Tara was flirting up a storm and Lily was somewhat depressed by the fact that the guy behind her probably had no interest in her at all. By the time Tara and Lily gathered their things, they were in the classroom alone.

 

“I have my schedule and a map of the school..I need to get to class.” said Lily.

 

“Wait!! What class do you have?” asked Tara.

 

“Um, History with Mr. Owen. Why?” Lily said to Tara as she stopped talking and turned to look at her.

 

“Me too!!” Tara said excitedly while hurrying out of her seat and almost losing her balance because of her too high heels.

 

Lily knew that Tara and herself were going to be friends, but she also knew that it was going to be an interesting experience. She likes Tara, really, she does..but the two of them are very different and that might be a problem.

The two of them walked out of the room and down the hall to History class. Of course, this wasn’t going to be one of those regular shuffles to class, there were some important topics that had to be discussed.

 

“Was that dark haired kid talking to you earlier??” Tara asked intreguingly.

 

“Not really..he only asked me for a pencil.” Lily stated.

 

“It definitely looked like more than that!! I think he’s into you Lily..”

 

Lily hoped that this was the truth. She did like him..but how can someone like someone else that fast? It hasn’t even been a day..

 

The bell rang for the next class to start in the middle of the conversation. Lily bolted down the hall and into the classroom with Tara following close behind her. It turns out that Lily was running a little to fast for herself to handle in her new shoes.

Tara stopped dead in her tracks. Since she was a little while behind her friend, all she heard was two loud screams and a hard thud. As she was almost in the doorway of the History room, she saw Lily’s papers fly into the hallway and scatter all over the floor. Tara peaked her head around the frame of the doorway when she saw Lily lying face first in the tile, looking completely lifeless. And as soon as she saw her friend on the floor, she saw blood trickling from an open wound on Lily’s head.

 

Chapter Two

Before Lily knew it, she was laying on the floor with about five people hovering over her. She sat up and saw a thin, black haired girl sitting on the floor, rubbing her forehead. Another girl then helped the dark haired girl off of the floor.

Since everything was still blurry to Lily, she rubbed her eyes to make sure she still had sight. Once her sight finally returned to normal, the cute guy from homeroom was kneeling infront of her. Lily was lost for words as soon as her gaze met the boys’ glossy green eyes. Not only was she amazed to see him, but she was amazed to see how much her head hurt after the fall.

 

“You okay? You and Kylee hit pretty hard. I thought you were out cold.” said the boy.

 

Lily became more confused one she heard, from the boy, that she and Kylee had hit into eachother. She looked to where the girl was sitting, but she was unable to find her. She felt something dripping from the right side of her forehead and winced at the pain when she touched the cut on her head with the palm of her hand. She looked up at the boy with eyes full of confusion, terror, and worry.

Mr. Owen, the History teacher, franticly came rushing over to aid Lily. Apparently, Kylee was sitting in her desk and talking to another girl in the classroom about the fall, looking completely fine. But Lily..Lily looked like “She got hit in the head with a bat” according to the tall blonde in the cheerleading uniform sitting in the desk infront of her. Lily stopped paying attention to what everyone was saying about her and paid more attention to the boy who was trying to talk to her about how much pain she was in.

Before Lily could ask any questions as to what happened, people were helping her off of the floor, and trying to stay calm. She didn’t think she was in that bad of a state..her head just her and there was a little blood. It was nothing that a bandaid couldn’t fix. But a girl who tried to walk past her seemed to disagree. The girl screamed when she saw all the blood that was surrounding Lily on the floor.

 

“You” Mr. Owen pointed to Homeroom Boy. “Take her to the nurse and stay with her while she’s there. I don’t want this young lady walking herself there with that kind of gash in her head. Don’t worry about the details we’re talking about in class today..I’ll make sure a classmate gets them to you.”

 

Lily had no idea who Mr. Owen was speaking to, but suddenly the boy swung Lily’s arm over his shoulder and picked her up off the floor in one swift motion. Before Lily could register who the guy was, she was being cradled like an infant in the arms of the gorgeous green eyed boy.

 

“What…what are you doing?” Lily asked in a small voice.

 

“I’m not going to let you walk to the nurse by yourself. It’s pretty obvious that you need support. So, it would be best if I just carried you there. You know, so you don’t hurt yourself.” The boy looked down at Lily and flashed a smile which revealed his perfectly straight and white teeth.

 

Lily looked at the boy with her dark brown eyes. The boy noticed that she wasn’t used to being handled this way, because she kept fidgeting around in his arms. While Lily was looking at him, she noticed something different about his expression. It wasn’t the look of satisfaction since he was with her, but instead he looked kind of worried.

The nurse’s office must not have been that far away from the History room, because Lily was soon sitting in the hard wood chair against the wall in the office with her new guy friend sitting next to her.

 

“I’ll be right back. I’m going to go find you the nurse.” Just then, the boy got up and disappeared into another room across the office.

 

Doctor’s offices and hospitals where never on Lily’s “Favorite Places” list, so it wasn’t a surprise that she felt uncomfortable when she saw all the medical books and equipment surrounding her. While she was looking at the skeleton in the corner, the boy returned with a nurse right behind him.

 

“Oh my. Look at that cut. This must be Lilliana.” the nurse said while she was trying to keep her composure.

 

“Yeah” The boy said somewhat confused. “That’s her Mrs. Kay.”

 

“Okay. Well, we’re going to get you bandaged up in no time, don’t worry.” Mrs. Kay informed Lily.

 

“You can head back to Mr. Owen’s, I think I’ll be okay here by myself.” Lily told the boy.

 

“It’s okay. I’ll stay here with you, it’s not that big of a deal.” the boy stated.

 

The nurse walked back into the other room to get ready to take car of Lily, leaving Lily and the boy alone.

 

“Alright, fine. But..can you tell me what happened? I heard from you that I collided with a girl named Kylee? Who is actually very pretty. You should go for her, she looks like your type.” Lily said, trying to find out more information.

 

“She isn’t my type.” he said with a smirk on his face.

 

“Oh, please. You seem like the type of guy that any girl is your type. Just go for it. The worst she can possibly say is no. And if she does, she’d be a fool because of the type of guy you are.”

 

Lily couldn’t belive that she actually said that. She was trying so hard to not make it noticable that she found this guy even the slightest bit attractive. She thought that the cat was out of the bag now, but the boy was too clueless to notice. Instead, he was happy because she called him attractive in a low key kind of way. Before he spoke, the boy let out a flirtacious laugh and smiled at her.

 

“No, it’s not that at all. I just don’t think that our parents would approve of that kind of action.”

 

“Wait..our? You just confused me.” Lily was confused about him not going for her, but “our parents wouldn’t approve”? This made her head hurt even more. The boy let out a little giggle followed by a sigh.

 

“I wouldn’t be able to date her. She’s my sister.” the boy said while looking at her.

 

Lily felt her cheeks become hot with embarrassment. She was trying her hardest not to mess up the conversation, but he was just naturally easy to talk to. She soon found herself laughing with him at her mistake.

 

“I’m sorry. It’s just that you two look nothing alike. I never would have guessed you’re siblings.”

 

“Yeah, we get that a lot. Well, Kylee’s hair used to be the same shade as mine. But after she saw ‘Sex and the City’ the movie, she wanted her hair to look like Sarah Jessica Parker’s after she dyed it.” the boy laughed casually, then started to fidget.

 

The expression on his face started to puzzle Lily. It seemed as if he was almost disappointed at the fact of her dying her hair. Why was it such a big deal though?

 

“Well, it looks great. She can really pull it off.” Lily encouraged.

 

“There’s more to the story. Well, you see, she…”

 

Then he was cut off. The nurse came back into the room.

 

“Lilliana Harding, you can come on back now sweetheart. Let’s get you fixed up.” the nurse said politely.

 

Lily looked next to her to see what the guy was doing, but he was gone. He was right next to her a minute ago..

 

“Ms. Harding?” the nurse asked to get Lily’s attention.

 

“Oh, yeah, right. Sorry.” Lily said. She started to feel confused because ever since she was talking to the boy, she completely forgot about why she was in the nurse’s office in the first place. Lily forced herself  out of her chair and began to walk toward the room that the nurse went into. Lily forgot all about the gash in her forehead while she was talking. But since she remembered it, Lily’s painful headache kicked back into gear. Or was it because she was thinking too much about the boy whom she knew too little about?

Chapter Three 

“Well Ms. Harding, you’re good to go.” the nurse said with a warm smile.

 

“Thank you so much for everything. I’m starting to feel much better already.”

 

“Oh, it’s no big deal Lilliana, it’s my job.”  the nurse replied with a giggle.

 

“You’re right. But I still want to thank you. But before I go..could you call me Lily please? Lilliana sounds too…royal.”

 

“Sure, whatever is better for you, Lily. Feel free to stop by anytime.”

 

The nurse then walked Lily out of her station and into the secretary’s office. The secretary and Nurse Kay then talked about what happened earlier, and in a few minutes, Lily was handed an early dismissal slip.

 

“Go home and get some rest dear. You look like you’re going to need it.” the secretary told Lily. the secretary reminded Lily of her grandmother. She was a petite lady, with very gray hair. She was older, maybe about 70, but she was as sweet as cake. Lily automatically knew that her and the secretary would be talking again. After all, her friendly personality made it seem like Lily could talk to her about anything.

Once Lily took the slip, she walked toward the main doors of the school. Since her house was only a few blocks away, she didn’t seem to think it was necessary to call her mom to come pick her up. After all, her mother would probably react a lot more worse if she got a call to come get her than Lily just taking herself home. Her mom wasn’t the type of person to let things go easily. During her brisk walk home, Lily couldn’t help but think about the reaction her mother was going to have against the big gash in her head. How was she even going to explain that type of story?

Chapter Four

 

 

Lily shoved the door to her house open with one motion. She set her purse and her backpack down on the chair that was pressed up against the wall. She reached up to touch her gauze covered forehead from te school nurse and realized that the pain was still noticable. She decided to grab a bag of ice and just go to bed. Maybe sleep with help take away some of the pain. But before she relaxes, she probably should tell her mom that she was home, that way her mom wouldn’t have a heart attack when she sees her daughter laying in her bed with a blood soaked patch on her head.

 

“Mom? You home?” Lily asked in the echoing house.

 

Lily’s mom came into the foyer where she saw her daughter standing infront of the stairs. She was wearing a simple tan dress that hugged her thin body, with her long blonde locks hanging on her shoulders. To Lily, her mother resembeled one of those moms that you usually see in the movies who are always entertaining people from work with dinner parties and casual lunch dates. Lily’s parents are just recently seperated after a nasty fight gone physical, and her mom hasn’t been handling it well at all. Her mothers only crutch in this whole thing is her beloved bottle of red wine. Lily’s dad was hardly ever in picture, considering he is now living with brother in California.

 

“Hi sweetie..what happened?” Lily’s mom, Julie, asked as she almost spilled her wine on the freshly cleaned white carpet. It was obvious that it has been another hard day of loneliness for Julie, considering her appearance clearly showed that she was tipsy.

 

“Well, I fell at school. The nurse put this thing on my head and told me that I needed to go home.” Lily said.

 

Lily sat down with her mom on the living room couch. She explained the whole story to her mother about her embarrassing collision as well as her talk with the cute guy. Her mom might be a drunk, but she was able to tell her anything. And boys were definitely her specialty.

 

“Leave it to you to get hurt and be babied by a cute guy because of it. Of course you must get it from your mother.”

 

“Wow..thanks mom.”

 

Lily’s mother then patted her daughter on the arm and told her that sleep is best. Lily walked up the stairs and into her bedroom that looked like it belonged in ‘Seventeen Magazine’. All of Lily’s friends used to tell her that they would kill for this room. It was so teenager-ish with all the music posters, animal prints, and bright colors. The plasma screen TV, queen sized bed, and huge stereo obviously added to the reactions. Lily didn’t see her room that way, though. It wasn’t just a sweet room, it was a place that she could go to write, listen to music, and just get away from everything happening around her. Today especially, she needed this place. She plopped down face first onto her bed and dozed off into a deep sleep.

 

Nautical Information..

Hello to everyone who actually takes the time to read my blog! Which is probably not many people..BUT I’m writing to inform you that I am currently in the process of writing my own story(: Yes! An actual story! Not one of those tiny entry things that I usually put on here..but an ACTUAL story with ACTUAL chapters and an ACTUAL plot line!! Crazy right? Well, hopefully all of you like it(: Enjoy!

To my grandfather..

“There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be.”  – Leon Bloy

 

Life, is a privelage. It isn’t something that we should be taking for granted. Every breath that we breathe, is a gift. But the most beautiful things in life happen when someone within our family or social life, happens when the breath is gone. The memories that you have of someone that has moved on, are the most heartfelt and beautiful things you will ever remember. Yes, that probably sounds morbid..but think about it. Think about someone passed away who was very close to you..we’ve all experienced that type of pain before in our lives. When they moved on to have eternal rest..we never thought of the bad things that they have done in their lives. Have you really sat there and thought about the wrong that someone did even though they’re not with us anymore? No. Probably not. Instead, you think about the fun times you had, the laughs you shared, and all the memories in between. Not the negative ones.

People usually sit around and say death is a horrible thing. Yes, I would have to agree to a certain point. But has anyone really thought about how good death could really be? There are people out there that are suffering from numerous diseases and disorders that are incurable. Why would someone want to go through all of that pain? Not to sound mean..but death may be the best thing for them. Now, I’m not wishing death on anyone, that’s not who I am. But for someone to move on from pain, and not experience it ever again..is the greatest blessing someone can ever receive. How great would life be if we didn’t have to suffer? It would be so much easier. But, what would we have to learn from? At least at one point in everyone’s lives they have learned something from a negative situation.

My grandfather was an extraordinary man. He always put everyone else before himself, no matter what the outcome would be. He went out and bought my uncle’s engagement ring for his wife, because my uncle wasn’t able to afford it. He would give the shirt off of his back in the middle of winter, just so someone else would be warm.

As a girl, I looked up to him. Not because I was so much shorter..but because I could never wrap my mind around the fact of him helping everyone no matter how severe it was. To me, he really was a hero. Thinking about it now, he really was. Heroes run around helping people just because they like to. My grandfather did not have an issue with helping someone. In my opinion..I think that him helping people was one of this hobbies. And at least to me..he was really good at it.

My grandfather was definitely one of my role models as a child. Which is why when he died, I was completely lost in my life. Even though I was pretty young when he died, I still understood the fact that he was in a better place. Even though it took a while for me to realize it, I understood that me wanting him to be around me all the time was selfish. I used to sit and cry and wonder how he would leave me alone. Why would he leave his granddaughter here alone to face the world by herself?

That’s easy. He had all the faith in the world in me. And he didn’t leave me to face the world alone…he’s right here, carrying me, the whole way through. But most of all..he knew that I was capable of handling anything that would come my way. He would always tell me “Baby..you’re going places in the future. You know why? Because you’re passionate about everything you do. You do what makes you happy..and that will make your life even more successful.”

He died when I was in the 6th grade. December 23, 2006. He was ill, and kept it to himself for the longest time because he didn’t want us to worry. I haven’t seen my grandfather since he was in the hospital months before he passed away. My parents thought that I was too young to go to the funeral, so I wasn’t given the opportunity to actually say goodbye. When he died, no one really knew where he was going to be buried or placed. All everyone knew, was the cemetary he was going to be in and he was in a Moseleum. That was all. Ever since 2006..no one would take me to see him. Finally, two days ago, my grandmother, mother, and myself decided to take a road trip to find the one person who mattered the most to us. My grandfather.

I was the one who found his name on the side of the moseleum. After years of waiting..my grandfather was right infront of me. He was right there..but I couldn’t even touch him. All I could do, was look at that cold stone wall….and cry. That’s all I could bring myself to do. After 4 years of praying, begging, and waiting..he was finally with me. Right infront of me. And for the first time in 4 years, I had closure. I was able to stand there and see that he was in a better place. And within 4 years, I finally understand what it means to be carried by God and the people that you love. Staring at his name engraved on the marble stone in gold, I felt him lift me. He brought me to that cemetary to see that he was okay, and he was always going to be there. And he would never leave me. No matter what happens. All I have to do…is call his name. He may not be there physically, but he will most definitely listen. He will listen everytime I call on him for guidance or just to tell him I miss him. If he didn’t know that I miss him..why would I get the feeling that everything will be okay as I stood infront of that memorial at the cemetary..

Relationship Sanity

I can’t do this anymore.

My heart hurts each time

There’s silence between us.

I always give you 110%

But you don’t even care.

You just sit there

And take all of my happiness.

Can I keep this relationship

And try to make it work?

Yes. But love is not a

One-Way street.

You need to help me help

This relationship.

By letting all emotion die,

You’re slowly taking all

My sanity.

I’ll live my dream (song)

Can’t you hear me?

I am right here.

Please just listen..

Cause I am trying to get your attention.

Can you just let me be?

I just want to chase my dreams.

I’m pushign so hard to get there,

But you’re holding me back and it’s not fair..

So I say, OH!

I have to let it go..

I gotta just let go of all my fear.

Cause soon my time will near.

And I

I am gunna shine!

I have to prove myself so you can see..

What this means to me

I’ll live my dream!

My dream, yeah!

I will..live out..my dream.

Live my dream

I’m really tired

Of being silenced.

But I can change that, yeah

It’s like there’s a fire right below me..

Trying to set a spark

While I’m in the dark

But the light is burning brighter..

My courage is getting better

So I say OH!

I have to let it go!

I gotta just let go of all my fear,

Cause soon my time will near.

And I

I am gunna shine..

I have to prove myself so you can see

What this means to me.

I’ll live my dream!

My dream, yeah!

I will..live out..my dream.

Live my dream.

And when I walk out of this darkness,

I’ll see those stage lights glowing like the yellow sun

Yeah

And if I sing and they don’t like it

I’ll ignore the hurtful comments and I’ll try again

Ohh!

OH!

I have to let it go!

I gotta just let go of all my fear.

Cause soon my time will near,

And I

I am gunna shine

I have to prove myself so you can see

What this means to me!

I’ll live my dream

My dream, yeah.

I will..live out..my dream!

Live my dream.

For those reading this, I have took the melody from the song, Somebody by Lemonade Mouth. Thank you.

Keep Yourself Together

A few weeks ago in school, we had to take a fake SAT. Yes, the dreadful 4 hour long process for one test that was supposed to show us where we stack up to the college’s expectations in the real world. One of the worst feelings is when  you think you do well, and you get your results, and you actually ended up not doing well at all. When I looked down at the white paper, scribbled on with a blue ink, my dreams were shattered. My grade was so..low. I knew what the admissions were like for the college’s I’m looking into, and my grade didn’t even come close to what they wanted. I’ll admit it..I almost cried.

  Most are probably thinking, wow..it’s not even that big of a deal. It’s only practice. Well, that’s true, it really is only practice. But what hit me was fear. I was so afraid that I just didn’t want to go through the whole looking really hard into colleges. Not to find out if I’m good enough, but if I’m not.

  Pessimist thoughts? Yes. I will fully admit that, too. I do have my negative thoughts. Then the thought finally clicked. I just have to push myself. Did you ever really notice how much more better you do in different things if you set goals?

  In my room, I actually have pictures on my wall to motivate me to do well in different areas. For example, fliers from different colleges that I want to attend, a picture of a prom dress, and soon to be a picture of a new laptop. It may sound strange to have that staring at you every day, but that’s exactly the point. If you see them all the time, you’ll get sick of seeing them and eventually want to take them down. But you know that they’re your goals. In order for you to take them down, you need to succeed to reach that goal.

  So the thought that’s on my mind..you just have to keep yourself together in order to reach whatever you want. Instead of having pessimist thoughts, look at the glass half full, and not half empty. I mean, really, how much fun is your life when you dwell on the negative? So when the time comes around for me to take the actual SAT in a few months, I won’t be afraid. I’ll be prepared. Not just with the book I’m going to buy to help me along with it, but with the reassurance that I can conquer anything that I want. The only thing that is standing in my way to acheive anything in life, is myself.

New Years

The time’s come once again. The time where we either say a exaggerated “so long!” to the rough year we had, or a silent goodbye to the great memories that we had. 2010 has been a pretty tiring year, for me at least. So many ups and downs had washed over me this year. Moments happened that I’ll remember, some I’m trying my hardest to forget.

The one thing that I look forward to most about the New Year isn’t about the resolutions or the new fashion (although that’s pretty high up there), it’s about the mystery that the year ahead holds. It will be the end of my Junior year of High School, and my start of Senior Year. I will be a legal driver and hopefully getting my first job.

That’s a lot to look forward to. Some might find those thoughts a little overwhelming, but to me, that means that I’ll finally be looked upon as an adult.